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The Imposter Syndrome

The Imposter Syndrome!

I feel it, and it’s real. As a Full Time Currently Working From Home Mom with a daughter who is on Spring break this week, I definitely feel this a lot this week, and wanted to chat with you all about it. As The schools in California have decided to shut down for the year, its even harder for me to think what and how I will keep my daughter motivated and focused to study so that she can grow and learn, but at the sometime be 100% able to contribute to my job which I am grateful for and at the sometime be able to write about all things fashion in this platform. Are you somewhat on the same boat, then read on.

I will be completely honest, the thought of the lockdown was a pleasant surprise for me, and maybe some of you can relate to it for sure. Having to wake up at 5:30 am in the morning and chasing the whole day so that you can feel a bit accomplished has always been a bit daunting for me. Though I have a schedule, being born with 60% of creative brain, it becomes really challenging. I really suffer from the monotony of a week, and by friday you would see me in the my best outfit because I am ready to party (Sometimes I still feel like the 20 year old). Anyways, so when we all finally started working from home, I felt a sense of rejoice that after 15 years of my work life, I will be getting a break, I can slow things down, do so much of work that I couldn’t like getting to decorating my studio for YouTube videos and decorate my office space since now I will be using it so much, but little did I know, that I had the complete wrong expectations of the situation.

 

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As we started working from home in reality, the idea of being not a good employee kicked in my mind, because no-one is actually seeing what you are doing, so even if you are doing something, no-one will know. You know what I am talking about right? So, we tried to keep our schedules up, even though I didnt have to wake up at 5:30 I still did at 6:00 am and was able to get ready and sit at work by 9 am sharp and then get to my blog stuff in the evening. But as we hit the week 2 that had completely shift, my motivation of working had completely gone down, because of the fact that I really didnt care about my appearance and how I looked. I did not even bother to get dressed and just went on my day because the biggest thing that I had ignored is that the house work overwhelmed me. Even though, I was staying at home and literally didn’t have to pack Saanvi’s lunch or drop her at school, we still needed to make sure that she is getting her breakfast and staying focused in school. And I know some of you have it harder because you have younger kids who need more attention. I started to work later to compensate for the fact that people might not think that I am not working enough. I pushed Saanvi to stay focused and keep her School hours which she did a tremendous job of, but was that necessary? It definitely had an impact on my creative brain. I could not write about things that I love about, because it suddenly felt unimportant.
Meals have to be still prepared, even though you thought that you would take it easy, you have a hungry crowd to feed. The first week, I was an uber planner with all the meals, prepared everything, but as Friday came along, I felt wary of the home cooked meals, I craved going out with other people and having a casual chit chat and having a meal that I haven’t cooked. At the same time our lunch times kept pushing out from 12 pm to 1 pm and these days I probably dont care. And I worried within thinking of whether I am being a bad mother, bad wife or lets be honest my biggest fear of being a bad employee, for not working enough and not keeping the same hours. Do you feel the same way, I am really curious to know. And thats when I realized that I have been hit by the imposter syndrome. The feeling that you re not who are. Or more like you are not perceived as what you want to be perceived, because everything is that isn’t it, a perception after all. I never thought I would ever feel this but this is a reality. I felt like I wasn’t doing enough for my family, for my company who has employed me and for my viewers and readers who want to see more content, because when there is so much negativity happening in the world, why would what I do matter. I know as human beings and mostly as women, we have a habit of trying to keep everything together and trying to add a patch and while doing all of that we constantly judge us and criticize us. But is that what it is, or is it the fact that we are all human and are trying to cope with our feelings in different ways. If there are some of you who have a better grasp of this situation, I really want to know what your thoughts are.
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As, we moved to spring break, I realized that rather than being stressed, I should feel blessed for having a family and being safe and a life more than trying to keep everything together. I need to enjoy the moments that I have with my family, because times are so uncertain. There is a famous saying that you all are aware off “Time waits for none”, and its so true in this situation. As we keep stressing and worrying about things around us, the time that we have in our hands will be gone, so we only need to move forward because thats what would keep us all afloat. Tell me what is the thing that keeps you focused or something that you wanted to do and would like to do right now. Lets stay connected in this platform.

XOXO
             Suchi

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XOXO, Suchi